Broken Surrender


Can I be real with you?

Like, can we just sit together right here and be real?

Tonight, in the shower, I cried.  I wept because I’m frustrated.  It’s been a rough few weeks.  Nothing insanely life altering but it just seems like one heavy thing after the other.

One more thing on the to-do list.

One more concern.

One more “I didn’t see that coming”.

One more heavy burden.

Those things pile up.  They eventually wreak emotional havoc.

I have prayed. I’ve talked to Jesus. I’ve released the unknown to Him. I’ve worshipped. I’ve read the Word.  But sometimes our ‘humanness’ has a delayed response to our ‘spiritness’.  Bare with me – it’s a making-up-my-own-words kind of night.

I threw my hands up this evening and cried.  My hands in the air represented surrender.  My tears represented me as a human – and all of that is okay.

You better believe if you stand up in front of a group of 30ish people and declare God’s faithfulness and teach about surrender that you’ll soon be led into a season where you’re asked to surrender and have to put your money where your mouth is.  (This happened recently at a women’s event I hosted in August, where I spoke about surrender.)

I’m reminded of Jesus’ baptism.  He was baptized and a voice from heaven said, “This is my son whom I am well pleased.” BUT THEN – Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted for 40 days.  Major spiritual high to major “attack”.

(Matthew 3:16-17 16 As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. 17 And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”

Matthew 4:1-3 Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him…”)

I’m learning more and more not to give the enemy credit.  He doesn’t deserve any.  I heard a preacher say the devil ALWAYS overplays his hand and launches us right into our destiny.  Notice the scriptures above say that the Spirit led Jesus into the wilderness?

Tonight while talking to my husband about a pretty intense situation in our lives (that came out of ‘nowhere’), my husband’s response was – “I’m not quite sure yet if this is the devil or God. But even if it is the devil, God will make good out of it.”

I believe when doors are shutting or discomfort comes it’s easy to immediately think we’re under attack … it’s the devil!  But I’ve seen situations in my own life where it’s extremely uncomfortable, I have no clue what we’re going to do next and I actually start to see God’s handy work in the midst of it all.

That’s where I want to keep my focus. On Jesus.  On Truth. Clinging to hope.  Resolved.

Just because you feel true emotion and cry doesn’t mean you’re not trusting God. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.  I’m learning to embrace brokenness.  I never thought I’d say that.  But it’s true.

My brokenness keeps me clinging to Jesus.  It’s humbling.  Brokenness with a surrendered heart is the perfect breeding ground for miracles.  It’s during trying times that I remember the deposit, the Holy Spirit who lives in me, assuring me that this is not it.  Our inheritance isn’t on this jacked up earth.  That hurting in our soul is us yearning to be face to face with Jesus.

But until then – we carry on.

Denying ourselves, carrying our cross, and choosing to follow Jesus daily – sometimes minute by minute or second by second, to be honest.

Tonight I’m thanking God for the beauty of tears.  Sweet emotion – even when it doesn’t feel so sweet. I’m thankful that he hears us loud and clear even when all we have are hands thrown up and tears streaming.

Yeah.  He understands that language.

Ladies, He gets us.  He gets you.  When you feel overwhelmed or misunderstood or frustrated, He gets you.

When you’ve overreacted or lashed out in anger – He still loves you.

Recognizing our brokenness and bringing those shattered pieces to Him in surrender is where his glory shines through.

His power is made perfect in weakness.

But he (Jesus) said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

You are dearly loved, sister.