I am in a really weird season. It’s not bad … it’s just weird.
I am learning a lot about myself. I’m reflecting on my past and the error of my ways. Not in a downcast type of way … but just reflecting on areas with the blinders off, so to say.
They say hindsight is 20/20, right? So I’m just kind of gazing back down the path that I have journeyed for the past 4 years. The Spirit of The Lord is so near. He is showing me the areas where I have ran ahead of Him. He’s showing me the really disgusting places in my heart. He’s showing me the difference between expectation and anticipation. He’s revealing how my mouth has said, “more of You, Lord and Less of me” but truly my heart was saying “Me, me, me, me, me.”
I see now just how self aware I became once I gave my life to Christ 10 years ago. Self awareness is not a bad thing but it is when it becomes an idol. As my good friend, Dr. Jason Brooks said to me recently, “As much as we like to talk about the concept of “freedom in Christ”, ultimately we just exchange one prison for another…the prison of sin and death for the prisons of “comparison, compromise, pride, jealousy, doubt, fear, worry…”” Self awareness has made me obsessed with myself and what I can accomplish, what people think, how am I viewed, and on and on … so much focus on me to the point where I literally couldn’t have a conversation with someone without holding my breath.
Of course I didn’t know this until now. I never meant to be that way. I never wanted to be that way. So now this weird season has left me with such gratitude, an overflow of love just gushing out for my precious Heavenly Father, but also with a grieving spirit. I guess you could say I’m being humbled although as soon as I write about being humble I think that deducts from the humble meter. :o) You get what I’m saying though, right?
I was recently diagnosed with ADHD. ADHD is a chronic condition including attention difficulty, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness. That sounds so serious … As much as I don’t ever want to be diagnosed with anything I realize there are a lot of things in this life that are out of my control. I am also aware that no matter what – I mean NO MATTER WHAT, God is on the throne, it doesn’t change Who He is, and it doesn’t change who I am in Him.
People with ADHD seem like a hot mess! We’re unorganized (and yet I cravvvvve organization!), we have difficulty focusing, we’re forgetful, fidgety, crazy excited over silly things, impulsive and a whole slew of other things.
I was actually relieved to find out that I have ADHD. There are so many things that make sense to me now, like why I read 5 books at one time and never finish any of them. Why I start 15 projects at once and then get discouraged because I haven’t accomplished anything. Why I have always hated board games, puzzles, crafts, and anything else that makes me sit still, wait my turn, and takes longer than 1 minute without something exciting happening. Why I put everything in piles and then get overwhelmed because I can see everything that I’m working on and need to do but if I put the piles away I’ll forget what I’ve done and need to do. AHH!! The madness! But I’m so relieved.
I’m relieved but I refuse to let ADHD be my identity or my crutch. Nothing is impossible with God (Luke 1:37). I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). So knowing what’s going on helps me to target specific areas where I need to be extremely intentional and use tools to help me be successful in areas where I suffer. But this doesn’t mean i obsess over ADHD, read everything there is to know about ADHD, in every conversation share that I have ADHD … NO! I want to be educated but I don’t want to become ADHD. That’s not who I am. ADHD does not trump Who God is. It’s not like God is sitting back on His throne completely perplexed like, “Dang! I did not see that coming.” No way! God is in control so why should I worry, fear, and try to fix this on my own?
As we walk through life there are things that will try to attach to you and embed themselves in your identity. If you don’t catch these things as they slide in before you know it they will take your feet right out from under you. No matter what happens in our lives God is the same yesterday, today and forever. The same God Who parted the Red Sea is still alive today and He’s not out of miracles.
Does that mean He can remove ADHD from me? Absolutely! Do I think He will? No. Not because I doubt Him but because I know His power is made perfect in my weakness. I know that He wastes nothing. I know that as I live my life with this mental disorder I can rely on Him to give me strength to endure and overcome … and He can receive all the glory. Also, how cool is it that while my sweet son is journeying through Sensory Processing Disorder, his mama’s been walkin’ around with ADHD her whole life?!?! I feel like we’re bonded so much deeper now. :o)
My prayer in this season has been “Whatever it takes” and I stand firm by that prayer. It is an open handed prayer that some days I pray through clenched teeth and tears streaming down my face – but I trust Him and know that He works out all things for the good of those who love Him.
My pastor said today, “The question is not does God love us, the question is do we love God?” My answer is yes. I love him. I trust Him. He’s never let me down and He won’t start now.
So here’s this weird season. Among other things, a season where I find out about my birth father (I’ll post about that another time), a season where I went from 0 to 5 sisters (I’ll post about that another time too), a season where I’m diagnosed with ADHD and yet another season where God is faithful. I’m excited to see how He’s going to use this for His glory.
He is faithful. Always.