I’ve been out of work for the past month. It’s been such a sweet season. It has been very painful and yet very freeing in regards to MY dream.
In 2012 after conquering a battle with anxiety and depression and kickin’ their butts, I made it my mission to share the hope of Jesus and His healing power with women who were in bondage. So of course, being April, I always need to DO something BIG so I started a ministry called Healed Whole New.
I have written, held seminars, held conferences, counseled, created jewelry, and promoted the heck out of Healed Whole New.
In January of this year my husband and I fasted and prayed and asked God to give us direction for the ministry. The few months prior to separation from my corporate job, my dream of ministry was so strong within me that I started looking for how to further the ministry and what to do next. I started praying and seeking direction from The Lord but I kept hitting walls.
At first I thought it was just the enemy trying to make me quit but then in my prayer time with Jesus, I could clearly hear Him asking me to surrender all that I had built up.
I gave it a few days and let those words sit in my soul. I knew He was right. I had to let it go. So I agreed. The past few weeks I have been on my face asking God what do I need to do next and He answered so clear yesterday. “Let it go.”
I don’t want what I want. I want what God wants. I’m surrounded by a generation of believers that are sharing the hope of Christ and promoting themselves constantly. We seem to be making ourselves more famous than Jesus. We post something with scripture to encourage others and it spreads like wild fire how amazing WE are for sharing the truth. I’m not saying every person sharing the Gospel is like this but it’s out there and I don’t want to be one of ’em. If God gives me a platform someday – great! But I’m not going to make it for myself anymore.
So back to yesterday… As I’m on my face, ugly crying in prayer yesterday – I stuck my hands out without hesitation and said, “Here. You can have it. Because me holding on to this dream is me saying that you’re not capable of fulfilling the desires of my heart so I just need to take care of it myself. …. so here. It’s yours.” I feel so free. I feel like the pressure is off. I can just ‘be’ now.
Why would I give up Healed Whole New?
- Because God told me to, duh. :o) But also because I just realized that if I call myself “Founder” or tell you I have a ministry, it makes ME feel important. It makes me feel accomplished and deep down I truly hope that you’ll like me more if I tell you what I’ve got going on. Yuck. Ain’t nobody got time for dat. So I’m stripping that away. I need to spend time soaking up the word of God. I need to make sure the Truth I’m filling up on is coming from me + time with the Lord and not just from reading scriptures posted on Facebook statuses. I need to worship God myself and not watch Youtube videos of worship leaders worshiping. These are great things but cannot substitute for my own time with God. I can get so busy doing that I forget to BE. That I forget to just rest in His presence. I can get so busy promoting myself and what I’m doing that God gets the leftovers. I spend just enough time to get a quick fill up so I can be inspired for my next blog posting and then the cycle repeats itself. Not cool.
- Because my family needs me. I can get so busy planning and doing that I completely forget about my husband and these little people in my home. I want to help people so bad and yet I have a daughter who is 7 who is filled with fear and I have a son that is almost 2 and still doesn’t eat table food or self feed … most likely due to the fact that he has Sensory Processing Disorder and he is completely anxious and overwhelmed when it comes to eating and other activities. Wow. I was so leveled when this hit my heart. My husband also has dreams! I think it’s time I take the backseat and accommodate him instead of everything always being about me and what I want.
- Because I need a job. You know, one that pays with money. It’s just the reality of our season in life.
- Because I need to serve. Whether it be family, friends, my church family, or whoever is in my sphere of influence. My pastor said the other day, “If you want to change the world start with your home. Start with your sphere of influence.” I’m so busy trying to reach people on the other side of the world that I’m missing those right in front of me. If God wants to take this to the other side of the world that’s awesome! But I’ma let Him do it, in His time, in His way.
- Because I need to write. I’m a writer. I always have been and always will be. My heart is tied to sharing through writing. I speak of course – but that’s because it’s easier. I need to really spend my time writing and working with the gift God gave me. I want to blog, I want to write books, I want to create resources and tools for people to be able to use to help them know Jesus more and equip them with knowledge, truth, and encouragement.
- Because it’s crazy. It’s humbling to shut down something you created and made flourish. It’s hard to walk away from this front of success. It makes me vulnerable to say, “well, that didn’t work out.” Most of all – it’s just crazy and I know that in my heart of hearts I don’t want something I created with my own effort and energy. It can only go so far with me. So here – take it, Lord.
So what now?
I don’t know. I have no clue and that feels amazing!!!! I’m going to do the things listed above. I’m still going to write and blog and post. I’m taking away the name Healed Whole New. I’m no longer a ministry leader, founder, speaker, etc. I’m just April. I’m just a chick trying to figure out how to make it through the next day honorably. I’m trying to figure out how to have patience with a 7 year old that wants every ounce of my attention (and not in a healthy way for all of you who want to tell me to not take a moment for granted). I’m trying to learn how to accommodate a child with delays and ‘disorders’. I’m trying to learn not to be so darn selfish and to be a better listener and better wife, mom, friend.
If you’re on the HWN mailing list – I’m keeping that! I can harass you with new blog posts or other fun thoughts that I come up with and want to share with an isolated audience. You’re welcome. :o) You’ll probably see some changes in the emails that are sent out but I won’t bombard you with promotional emails anymore. Yay!
My husband and I are trying to figure out what to do with the website. I’m thinking we’re going to make it just AprilPoynter.com and keep it super simple and hopefully in the future I’ll have some books on there that I’ve written along with my free blogs. That would be pretty cool. (Speaking of books … my first one is finishing up with editing and then I’ve got a crap ton more work to do on it and then I’ll get it out ONE DAY!) :o)
I’m an advocate for seeing women be set free. That’s my heart for sure! That won’t stop. I call out anxiety and depression. Those things bow to the feet of Jesus and I won’t keep silent!
Stay tuned! If God has asked me to give up my dream that I have created and put 3 years of work into … something freakin’ awesome must be in His plan. I don’t know what that looks like but you already know I’ll tell you about it when I find out!
Thank you for loving me and encouraging me. It’s just me now. It’s always been just me hiding behind a title and ministry. It’s time to strip all the other stuff away.
I’m excited. If God has more, I don’t want less.