Inadequate

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in·ad·e·quate
inˈadikwət/
adjective
  1. lacking the quality or quantity required; insufficient for a purpose.
    “these labels prove to be wholly inadequate”
    synonyms: insufficient, deficient, poor, scant, scanty, scarce, sparse, in short supply

    Wow.  I just titled this blog “Inadequate” and then when I went to grab the definition it stopped me in my tracks.  Wow. Just wow.

    I don’t know if I’m the only one who does this but sometimes I use big words and know how to use them in context but there’s just something about when you look up their actual definition.

    This past week I’ve been frustrated with The Lord.  That’s harsh but it’s honest.  I’ve been like a kid throwing a fit with her daddy.  Just spent.

    I took a personality test and although it wasn’t anything necessarily surprising because I’ve taken these types of tests numerous times and I know what category I fall in.. something about this time around just struck me down.

    I’m a dreamer.  I see the world through different eyes.  I see the good in people and hope for the best.  Almost everything has a deeper meaning to me.  I love music, art, poetry, and all the other colorful things that ‘artsy’ people like.   I love deep.  I’m very guarded about who I let into my heart but man, I love deep!  Anything is possible through my eyes.  I may not know all the steps to get there …  oh, but you can get there!

    So why was I so frustrated?  Because God made me this way.  Sometimes I wish I was more organized and task oriented.  I’m way too scattered.  I’m great at dreamer but not so great at developing the plan and executing the plan.  If I followed facts rather than feelings my life would be more simple.  Things would just be black and white instead of fuchsia and sparkly.

    I’m the weird girl.  I’m the girl that winds up alone in group settings.  My heart is wrapped in music but I don’t fit with the musicians.  I don’t play instruments, I don’t know how to read music, I can’t sing with a live band (only recorded tracks).  I can sing …  but that’s it.  I don’t understand the other talk around music.

    I’m stuck in a corporate job and pretty much have been since I was 18.  I can hold a conversation about corporate shenanigans but I’m bored out of my mind! One of my greatest fears is that I’ll be trapped in a corporate job forever.  **Side note** I understand I can quit my job and chase my dreams but I know that I’m actually where I’m called to be for this season but nonetheless I’m still frustrated***

    I can be surrounded by corporate folks and have no interest in climbing ladders.  When I received a promotion last year the thing that was so funny to me is that we can pray for promotion and more money and more responsibility … but at the end of the day we’re still the SAME person … just with a title, a little extra money, and more responsibility.  I’m blessed for sure … but this doesn’t satisfy the cravings of my heart.

    I can surround myself with “church” people and then I hear them talk about how a child will have an ailment for the rest of his/her life… and speak with such hopelessness.  One person is complaining about another person in the congregation and another person is sharing how she had way too many glasses of wine the night before.

    This is not judgement.  Please don’t take it that way.  But I wonder if we’ve forgotten the healing power of Jesus Christ?  I wonder if we’ll ever take our hearts outside of our little boxes and long to live like Jesus did.  Look, I’m guilty too.  I just wanna bust out of this cultural Christianity and see something happen.  I want to see the blind man see.  I want to see the child with an ailment get up and walk by the power of Jesus resting on him.  I want to stand with people who want this too!

    My whole point is that I always feel like an outsider.  I ALWAYS feel like I’m standing on the outside looking in.  My heart is always longing for more and not in a way where I’m never content but to where I ALWAYS know there’s something more.  I know that doesn’t explain it … but it makes sense in my head.

    I’m usually a pretty secure person.  Knowing my identity in Christ has set me free in so many ways, but every once in a while I get down too.  I feel inadequate and I question God.  However, I always bounce back and I always will!

    I’ve come too far to ever go back.  God is so faithful.  He has created each of us with a plan and a purpose.  God doesn’t waste anything.  I trust this and I trust Him.  The reason I was so frustrated lately is because I wasn’t trusting Him.  I doubted His plan and felt like He wasn’t moving fast enough.  I felt like I would always feel inadequate and lonely.  This is a lie.  The devil is a liar and he’s defeated.

    I am not defined by what I do.  I am not defined by how many friends I have or how many text messages I receive each day.  I’m not defined by Facebook likes or “friends” on social media.  I’m not defined by worldly promotions and titles.  I’m not defined by my gifts and talents.   …. and neither are YOU!

    Be encouraged.  You are amazing!  You were created by the Creator of the universe … with a plan and a purpose in mind.  I was too!  I was created to bring my Father glory.  That’s exciting!

    God’s word is truer than our feelings.  Hold steady –  the best is yet to come!

    Love to you!

    April

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