All My Junk …

drowning

I’m about to be so real with y’all.

I’ve been throwing a tantrum for quite some time now.  Where do I start?

Who has the TimeHop app?  I love it!  It reaches back over the past few years on social media and shows you what you posted on that day in history 1-5 years ago. I love reading it each morning because when I see 3 years ago, I was posting about God recently delivering me from anxiety and depression.  I also know I was still walking away from it 3 years ago.  2 years ago I was HEALED! I was lifting weights like crazy and building muscles like a mad-woman and then I got pregnant with Sway. 1 year ago I was THRIVING in ministry.  I mean, thriving!  Hosting events, Bible Study, selling Freedom Necklaces … THRIVING!

Today, I’m working in the corporate world again (a great job) but it’s so busy that it hasn’t left much room for anything else.  I struggle because I absolutely LOVE IT, love the company, love my boss, love the folks I work with.  I’ll tell you more about that in a sec.

This past year has been so full of blessing and yet challenging at the same time. As far as work goes – I know I’m where I’m supposed to be for this season.  I know that God has specifically handed me my job. I have never felt more satisfied in a corporate position.  My job is amazing!  I’m a Global Human Resources Manager for a very successful company.  I struggle though.  My heart aches for ministry and yet I have to trust where God has placed me.  I do see Him moving and I’m being stretched and experiencing things I have never experienced due to this season of life and where God has placed me. I don’t see the big picture.  I don’t know the plan … and that makes me throw a fit.  It’s good –  but can you put me in the loop, Lord?

My family is doing well. Tony is thriving in the IT field and very satisfied with his work.  My daughter, Trinity, will be 7 years old next month and that freaks me out a little. My son, Sway, is growing fast!  He’s 16 months old and so sweet.  At 14 months we realized something wasn’t ‘right’ as far as his eating goes.  He won’t pick up food and put it in his mouth.  He gets choked if you give him ‘real’ food and anything chunky.  He even got choked on one of those puffs that melt in your mouth. He will eat baby food (stage 3) and other mushy items but nothing chunky or textured. We took him to see a feeding therapist and we discovered that Sway has a slight sensory delay. He’s fine but he gets overwhelmed and over stimulated very easily.  He also has delayed motor skill when it comes to eating.  We are seeing a food therapist once a week for the next year.  Prayers that he’ll eat soon!

A friendship with one of my closest friends ended this year.  It’s often said that people will leave you when times get tough… but I don’t believe that’s always the case.  I think lack of ownership/responsibility and ‘hitting below the belt’ can result in a dead friendship.  Hurt people hurt people.  Over the years I have confided in MANY people.  Back in the day I had a lack of boundaries that turned around and slapped me across the face OFTEN.  I know better now.  I’ve had some pretty rock solid friendships going on for quite some time now and was movin’ right along.  I have to be honest though … I told Tony the other day that I am a little concerned about myself  – because I don’t feel anything.  I should feel SOMETHING … some sort of sadness or regret or missing this person… but I don’t.  Not. At. All.  I wish I could make myself, but I don’t.

This alarms me.  I’ve noticed that I’ve started to numb out.  I don’t care to create new friendships.  I’m hesitant about getting closer to the people that are in my life.  I’m afraid to share my heart with ANYONE (because this former friend knew EVERYTHING and threw it in my face when times got hard in her life and I called her out on some bad decisions she was making). I don’t care to risk my heart again.  It’s not that I’m trying not to make myself be close to people – it’s that I feel NOTHING.  Nothing at all.

The other night I got mad at Tony over something SO STUPID.  His work bought him a new phone and is putting him on their phone plan.  Tony switched over and called me to tell me that he was no longer on our joint plan and I need to pick a new plan.  I was so angry.  Like, stupid angry! To me, it was ONE MORE THING on my to-do list that I didn’t see coming.  To him, it was confusing.. .lol!  He was trying to figure out why I just went from 0 -10 in a matter of seconds in regards to a phone plan.  That night, Tony got home from work and I didn’t speak to him.  He didn’t speak to me.  We went on about our evenings and interacted with the children but not ONCE spoke to each other.  (THIS NEVER HAPPENS IN MY HOME).

I went to the bedroom to watch TV.  He stayed in the living room.  I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me and tell me to go speak to Him.  I said, “no.”  YEAH … I told The Holy Spirit – NO.  He then nudged me again and told me, “you are choosing to let the enemy win tonight.  Go speak to your husband.  Apologize for blowing up and explain why you were upset.  Give Tony a hug.  It will defuse this whole thing.” … I said ‘no’ again.  I felt nothing.  I wasn’t mad anymore.  I wasn’t trying to stay angry or prove a point.  I just felt nothing.  Again, The Holy Spirit spoke to me gently, saying, “You are not unaware of the enemy’s schemes. Stand firm – win this battle.”  To which I replied, “No. I don’t feel like fighting a battle tonight.  I don’t feel like winning. I don’t want to.  I don’t want to move. I’m tired.”

I turned the TV off and went to bed.

The next morning I woke up and sat up in the bed.  I immediately started to repent for my behavior the night before. I told The Lord, “Oh my gosh!!! This is how it starts.  This is how divorce happens.  It doesn’t seem bad at first but it all starts with CHOOSING not to fight the battle.  People get tired and numb and drift to the point of separation.  I am so sorry, Lord!”

Once Tony woke up, I apologized to him and shared with him what happened the night before and we had a really deep conversation about this battle that we’re constantly faced with every day on this side of eternity.

This is no joke.  We can’t get lazy now.  We can’t give up now!

I share these intimate details with you because I want you to know that I’m human.  I struggle.  God has delivered me from HUGE shackles but I’m still stuck in this decaying flesh … this flesh that is prone to sin… this mind that is constantly taking thoughts captive and replacing lies with truth.  I slip, though.  I give up sometimes.  I get numb and sometimes –  I just don’t feel like it!

Do. It. Anyway.

I’m speaking to myself as I type this…  Do. It. Anyway.  Don’t give up the fight.

The devil STOLE my life from me for ONE year – because I let him.  I was trapped in anxiety and depression but I CHOSE to listen to him day after day.  It was hard to fight and replace the lies with truth.  It was HARD and PAINFUL to choose the truth some days.  Choose. It. Anyway.  Even on days where you feel like you’re failing miserably, you’re not!  Each day (good or bad) leads to FREEDOM if you keep pressing forward and don’t give up.

Make new friendships.  MAJOR RISK… but do it anyway.  I’ve had an ABUNDANCE of failed relationships – but I’ve got some pretty awesome chicks in my life that have stood by me and endured me.  (So if anyone wants to be my friend – hit me up on Facebook and let’s make a coffee date).

I don’t know if life has ALWAYS been busy or if it’s just this day in age.  Technology has made things fast and easy.  It’s like a plague that will overtake other facets of your life if you don’t watch out.  We start chasing after things that leave us void and empty.  Then we chase after other things to fill those voids.  We’re in a war for our attention each and every day.  We’re surrounded by people that speak negatively over EVERYTHING.  Before long, you’re drowning in a sea of despair and you don’t know how to get out!

JESUS!

He’s the answer.  He’s the remedy.  He walks on water.  He carries heavy burdens.  He reconciles.  He conquered death.  He has forgiven us.  He has DELIVERED us.  He goes before us.  He is love.  He is good.  He is faithful.  He is FOREVER!  He is ours and we are His.

So there –  there’s all my junk and some encouragement to go along with it.  :o)

You are loved far beyond what you could ever imagine.  Rest easy and wake up tomorrow, choose truth, hold your head up high, and press forward.

Love to you!

Be Free,

April

One thought on “All My Junk …

  1. I am reading promises at night, may be I should read them in the day, the food affects my emotions, really I don’t know for sure which foods are bad for me. I am feeling a little better some days but others I feel really bad. Naturopaths have better allergies tests than MD, but my insurance does not cover them and I don’t have the money .

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