For 9 months I dealt with a crazy, overwhelming anxiety and paralyzing fear. For 5 of those months I dealt with depression. I never thought I would be on this side of the tracks to tell you about it and definitely not able to encourage you… but here I am. Whole. Healed. Full.
If you have time read back through my past blogs starting with the one from June 18, 2011 titled “I’m Ready To Tell” – this blog and those thereafter explain my journey.
During my time in the pit I realized that God truly does hold my life in His hands and that He cares for me more than anyone ever could and more than I could ever care about myself. If it were left up to me I would have probably listened to the voice in my head that said “you should just kill yourself. “ BUT… I didn’t.
So many mornings I woke up knowing that at any moment my husband was going to have me hospitalized. There had to be a padded room somewhere with my name on it. “Is this where it ends, God?!?! Is this what You have for me?!?! You have brought me this far – a thriving 20-something year old chick with a family, who one second was teaching Bible Studies, writing about You, and trying to lead others to You and the next second needs to be hospitalized because of the voices in my head and NOT being able to trust myself?”
That husband of mine did not have me admitted to a mental hospital… why not? I can’t wrap my head around it but he says “Because I knew you were going to come out of it.” He knew it. I didn’t … but he did. Tony was trusting God to deliver me.
I started to write about my life and what was going on in June of last year. If you read a lot of the blogs after June 18, 2011 I’m encouraging and speaking as if I wasn’t really experiencing any of the anxiety, panic, fear, and depression anymore. The truth – I was. These “feelings” didn’t go away until the weekend of Thanksgiving 2011. One day I was driving to work and realized that it had been a few days since my brain had whispered terrifying things to me and the tightness in my chest wasn’t there anymore. Those few days lead to more days… and then more days… and here it is January 24, 2012 with no trace of anxiety, fear, panic, or depression on me.
Why did I start writing as if it was over back in June 2011? Because I trust God. I trust His word. To choose not to believe Him is to forfeit everything that I have stood for over the past 8 years since following Jesus Christ. Also because the enemy wants me to believe that in the Bible when these powerful passages are written like Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Or Isaiah 43:2 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” – that somewhere in the margin, in small print it says “Except April”. LIE! The enemy’s power is in the lie… we have a choice whether we believe it or not. Regardless of how I felt, I knew that God’s Word is truer than how I feel. So I chose within my own will NOT to believe Satan. I started to write as if I was over all the craziness because I knew that in the spiritual realm God had already conquered the battle for me- the physical just needed to catch up to the spiritual. It was a faith walk – relying on Him one day at a time and breath by breath.
Plus – if I could encourage just ONE of you to hang in there it was so worth suckin’ it up and pressing forward.
I remember a very significant moment as I was walking out of the depression. A song by Third Day was on- Show Me Your Glory. A line in the song says “When I climb down the mountain and get back to my life I won’t settle for ordinary things.” Although I feel I was DEFINITELY in a pit and not a mountain the symbolism is the same to me. When I get out of this and return to my life I will NOT settle for ordinary things. I have seen the glory of the Lord. I have witnessed His miracles. I have felt His arms wrap around me when I felt I was unreachable, let alone loveable. I can’t settle for ordinary things.
Speaking of not settling for ordinary things – if you have been keeping track of my journey you know that in July Tony (the hubby) and I both had divine revelation about being able to discipline the flesh through diet and exercise. My goal has been to build lean muscle and since July I have lost about 16 pounds through proper eating and exercise.
My goal for this year is to obtain my license to become a personal trainer. I want so badly to help others overcome the bondage of food and weight issues. Tony and I have created a Face Book page called Aim Higher. Please visit the page and “Like” it. We hope that by sharing our story we can share the hope of the Gospel and help motivate, encourage, and inspire others to dig into God’s Word, believe Him, and then start making changes.
Don’t settle for ordinary.
This is my favorite quote:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”
AIM HIGH. AIM HIGHER.